Who I am....................Hates who I've been

  So it's summer, right? Actually...summer is already a month in...but it's better late than never. I've been doing some thinking lately. And I realized...I've been holding back. Holding back, you say. Yes, holding back my dear, I say. But...there is good news. Good news? you say. Very good news, I say. Excellent news. No more holding back. I was slipping into trying to be something I wasn't....and you know what....I found out that I'm not very good at it. Let's face the facts....I'm 17..yes sirreee...I know...sometimes I find it hard to believe too...but the fact remains that I'm 17. And..I'm going to college next year...which means responsibilities abound. After that, it's marriage and kids. Also, I'm irrational. And loud. I like to contemplate things...just as long as they don't get in my way. I adore randomness. Am fascinated with culture and life.And I'm 17. So where is this leading..you're wondering. Let's review the facts: Fact one: I am 17 years old. Fact Two: This is my last summer before I become bombarded with responsibilities and mature-dom. Fact Three: I L-O-V-E to have fun. By myself or with others. Fact Four: I am loud and irrational. Fact Five: I'm not pretending anymore. The conclusion to these facts, my darling...is that this summer...I'm going to start having some fun. No...no parties, or lots of guys, or drunken carousings at night. I'm going to have fun-Logan style. And that type of fun, is purely random. Purely irrational. Purely spontaneous. Purely magical. You only live once---as the saying goes. Forget all this growing up crap. I have my whole life to grow up. I am rebelling. But I am rebelling in a good way, so be not alarmed my dear citizen....there is no need to call the authorities, the teachers, or the parents to tell them that dear sane Logan has lost it (after all...deep down inside...you all knew I never had it to begin with). I will grow up...and come next fall..I will be responsible--and I am. But I refuse to be an adult this summer. I refuse to pretend that I have so much to learn (although, undoubtedly, I do...but it will come with time, dear ones, not willpower). I refuse to suffocate myself in a blanket of fully matured individuals who have lost that spark that only teenagers can possess. I am seventeen, by golly, and I will enjoy it. I am not 18, nor am I 21. I'm not 27, married, with children. I'm seventeen--newly graduated..and free for the summer. To sit and "learn" to be an adult would be foolish. Fact Six: I have the rest of my life to grow up. I will NOT start now. So, my lovely individuals...call me in 5 months...ask me what I have learned...how I have matured...and what it means to be on my own---and I will gladly tell you, for I have no doubt in my power to do the necessary-when needed...but NEEDED is the key word there. Until then...do not bother me with your silly questions, do not pester me with your expectance of my gaining of knowledge, do not attack me with theories, data, and polls. Let me be 17. Please. And the last fact....Fact Seven: I will be and do whatever I please....no matter who you are or what you say. Make no mistake. I may not be an adult, but I do have quite a mind....and no foolish attempts will get past me. So make a choice. You have two options. Option One: Step back and watch me....watch me have more fun--and more freedom than you ever will. OR Option Two: Take my hand, and join me in the adventure.

I got my senior pictures back *WHOOT* I think I have a zallion wallets....so..if anyone wants one...let me know. :) Oh, and just for the record...I only have 3 more school days of high school left......I can hear the rejoicing beginning...anyways...so yes...if you want a picture...get a hold of me somehow...

Dark empty spaces in your eyes
ring truer than the sunshine light.
Whispered secrets enclosing lies
hold more truth than your sight.
Dim shadows unbind your hands in ties
forfeiting the freedom that is yours to fight.

When night is your friend,
and light your foe.
When shades feel your comfort,
and rays your one fear.
When lost means you're found,
and found supplies you shivers
And when captivity equals your freedom
and life lacks release...
It is then you discover yours is forever lost...
and theirs, yes theirs is found.

This is me
A loud-mouthed, obnoxious
brash, tell-it-like-it-is girl.
I often act tough to hide my weakness...
and when I really am tough,
it's because I've learned from necessity.
I cry alot when I'm on my own...
and always when I contemplate my emotions too deeply.
My heart desperately seeks God,
but my flesh pulls away consistently.

I like to act in control
when my world is falling apart.
I am the most selfish when
I give of myself.

I hide my pain- not because it hurts,
but because I can't function with it.
I've been hurt and it pisses me off...
Actually, quite a few things piss me off,
but you'll never know. I won't tell you.

I know others hurt, but sometimes I'm blinded.
I won't lie to you, even if you ask me...

Popularity isn't worth burning for.
I won't change who I am to fit your mold,
but you words will sting my heart.

I won't stick up for myself,
but woa the person who insults my best friend, my family,

and any other God-made human.

I will doubt you and most of your words,
but I won't doubt my God
He is greater than you..and
has never let me down. You have.

I will be patient with life,
but never surprises. If you have something for me...
give it to me. I might just stop caring.
I try to understand and love others,
but I will not put my life on hold to watch you destroy yours.
You can't control me, so don't even try.
I sing and dance in the mirror,
but never in front of people.
I have been hurt, damaged, rejected
and I'm mad because of it.
I have a broken heart, but God is mending it
and that is all that matters.
I put on makeup,
do my hair,
and buy cute shoes,
and I know it, so deal.
It doesn't make me vain,
it means I care about how I look.
And I won't stop caring--> even if you do.
I like earrings...alot...
They don't talk back.
I waste time, but always get things done.
If you ever need me, call, I will come running.
I dislike when people insult themselves.
I know you're looking for flattery and I won't give it to you.
People don't gain self-esteem by lies.
Besides, self-esteem is non-existent
And so is Fear, on that note.
You won't scare me.
God and myself are the only people who make me scared.
I do get nervous though, so don't yell.
It will make me run away.
I need space, time to heal, adequate alone time.
If I have that,
I will give the world simply for your betterment.
A tender-hearted, broken, comfort-seeking,
flowers-in-my-hair girl.
This is me.

 

-Logan Banke '06

 

"When I have a good day, I say, “God, thank you. You are really blessing me.” Blessing is a word that I only hear Christians use. I have heard it means to “speak well about a thing”, but I think it’s used more often in the sense of I need a raise, or a gift, or something specific. “God, bless me” in this context means: I want my business to do well, or I want a motorcycle, or I want to pay my rent this month.
 
When I’m having a bad day, I say, “God, don’t forget me. Please hear my prayers”, as if He may have forgotten about me.
 
One of my favorite communicators, Bill Bahr, tells a story of a man who, through a series of events, misses his flight and, when the plane crashes and everyone dies, an article is written in a Christian publication saying, “God was watching out for him.” Not long after that article appeared, another article is written by the wife of a man who, by a series of seemingly miraculous events, made it onto that flight, and the last communication that they had was waving goodbye to each other with joy in their hearts at how God had orchestrated events that allowed him to make his flight...that would take him to his death. So who was God really looking out for? Was God working in one man’s life and not the other?
 
Some people are healed of cancer after much prayer. Many people die of cancer even after much prayer. Some people are born physically beautiful and with robust health; other people are born with physical deformities and terrible diseases. Who is God looking out for in these situations? The answer is that it is not in our capacity to understand.
Too often my perception of how God should operate is focused on how He should make my life better- according to me. But one of the reasons His name is “God” is because He is smarter, wiser, and infinitely better (perfect actually) than me in all areas. I can’t figure out the reasoning behind all that God does. But I know that I am loved by Him because I FEEL it! I know with my heart that the promises written in the Bible are true. Is this an act of faith? Absolutely. But it is like feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin; there can be no question that there is really a ball of fire in the sky.
 
So I have to realize that, whether I am looking at one stitch on the back of a tapestry and God is looking at the entire picture on the front, or “I may have a point of view, but God has view,” the bottom line is: I am not skilled to grasp all that God has planned and I’m okay with that. Because His ways are infinitely higher than mine. And I trust Him."

 

 And with that...here's that amazing song. May it touch your soul like it touched mine. Turn on 89.Q and listen...it's in the top 20..You'll hear it..lol....Mm..God is good.